My journey as a single mother is quite complex. I tried the co-parenting thing and it seems I complicated things by getting involved with the father of my kids. Yes that’s right, I formed what I thought was the greatest alliance ever. We could still raise our kids together and sort of have a relationship of our own. A part of me ‘loved’ him enough to lay my all for him and the Twins. I made sure a relationship between them was possible even if I had to fight to make sure he saw them. Then now I ask myself, why should I have to ‘make’ it happen? Isn’t he supposed to just want to see them?
So in July we had the Twins birthday and the dad was very much involved. It always makes me happy seeing the Twins happy, they loved how hands on their dad was and best part he bought them bicycles that they had been wanting for a very long time yaaaaayyy!!!! There are events that I will disclose in a different post that transpired and left a very deep toxic wedge in my relationship with the dad. Dude why you gotta keep the Twins bicycles though????
Since then, he has not spoken to or seen the Twins. It started with excuses of work and would opt for the helper to look after them while I went to school the weekend. The Twins would call from their mobile number and there was never an answer. They would leave voicemails expressing how they miss him and asking then begging to see him. No call or voicemail has ever been returned. I have always reassured these brokenhearted sad faced babies, telling them how he ‘is at work’.
Amadeus asked me if I could buy them a new daddy? Why would my 6 year old son have such a request? His answer was because their dad has forgotten them. Adeodatus continues to want to call even if there is no answer but he is on the verge of giving up. He said maybe we must just leave him alone because why is he not calling us? I told him he is probably busy and he said maybe he just doesn’t want us anymore! My heart shattered into a million pieces and I told him that is not true. The deal breaker, Amadeus asked me if the dad went to heaven??? How do I answer that honest, desperate question? My eyes flooded with tears as I asked him why he would ask this question? His answer was simple, he has forgotten us and doesn’t love us anymore. I choked on my own words as I told him that the dad does love him (I was choking because even I don’t know that anymore). I gave so many big hugs and kisses to him and told him how much I love him too.
I am not perfect, I’m so far from it but I try to be there for my children the best that I can. They will still always want even if its 0.05% from him which I cannot guarantee they will get but I will give them my 100%.